I HATE MY SCALES!

I am an angry little bunny this morning! GRRR doesnt even come close! I say I hate my scales, but in actual fact I kind of hate my body for failing me sooooo miserably. I try not to weigh myself everyday because I get seriously obsessed with the scale, so today when I thought 'oh I will just see how i'm doing, sort of a 'mid week check up;' I find I have put on a pound and it has made me soooo angry. I know its only a pound and I am sure it will dissapear by my weigh in, but in the last four days I have been absolutley perfect... I'm not one of those people that has the odd extra syn and thinks it doesnt matter... I am sooo controlled and I have also been to the gym twice and what do I get?? Bloody stupid GAIN!! How is that even possible? It just isnt fair, when you make that much effort and see people around you eating cake and crisps and junk and not gaining weight.. I sit there 'enjoying' my chicken salad and I gain weight! I hate my scales! I have a goal to reach and I dont know what else I am supposed to do to reach it? :s It should be simple?!? Decrease calorie intake, increase exercise and therefore how many calories I burn = weight loss?? Why does that not work?? :(

All I want to do is moan moan moan moan moan.... but I wont. I will leave it there because I may start to get very angry and I dont want that negative feeling all day. I need to stay positive... keep on track and I will get there. Hopefully xx

The Goal

I have set myself a goal... today is Saturday 9th April, I weigh 12 stone..... in four weeks time on May 7th I am going to be 11 stone. Its not going to be easy... but then life never is right? I have to have a really strong goal and something to work towards otherwise I would be very likely to loose focus, and right now focus is exactly what I need to do.

 Saturday the 7th my friend Jess is moving to America and we are all going out on the town (Norwich Norfolk) to celebrate. All of the girls are dressing up as sailors.. god help me... I am therefore going to be a 'sexy sailor' for the evening. I am hoping that by loosing this weight I will be able to get a really nice costume to wear and feel confident and good about myself.... rather than a porker!! hahaha!

I believe that in life when we achieve something, even something small, we should be rewarded. I have decided to reward myself when I reach my goal. Usually when I go out I cound how many vodka and diet cokes I have and just stick to that. On 7th I will be enjoying cosmos, woowoos, sex on the beaches and jager bombs!! Then when everyone has their big fry up in the morning I will be joining in...... I deserve it. Then Monday morning I will get straight back to the diet!

That is my plan... I weight myself every Saturday morning... so hopefully this time next week I will have lost the 3.5 pounds I want to loose. Def time to hit the gym!

Me and My skin

I have been trying trying trying to be Positive this week because I want to refocus and stay on my diet 100%, the only nagging thing that bugs me still.. actually all the time, is my skin. I know I have come a really long way and I would never want to go back to looking like I did, but my skin makes me feel fat still. It is so ugly and makes me feel ugly!

I was sooo big that obviously loosing so much weight would have consequences on my body (most of them good healthy ones) but I have been left with sagging skin. I am a 'small fat person' rather than just a normal person. I can wear the smaller clothes and the inches have gone... but the skin, the thing that makes me look fat, is still there! EURGH!!

I dont want to be all blue and miserable.. and most of the time I'm not, but sometimes I cant help but feel a bit ugly and mingin! How can I ever expect someone to fall in love with me and fancy me if I am repulsed by myself?

Time to crack down the saving and start using my penny jar... You never know a few years time it could all change and I could be having a tummy tuck... crossing those fingers!

Being Positive....

I used to blame every single bad thing in my life on my weight.... I didnt have a good job because I was fat, I didnt have a boyfriend because I was fat and blah blah blah, then I lost weight and I still had the same job and to this day I have never been in a long term relationship. Loosing weight wasnt the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow like I thought it was going to be, everything that was wrong in my life didnt magically get better like I thought it would.... this was because I was excusing the shitty crappy things in life on my weight and not actually facing up to problems. Being slimmer now has made me take a long hard look at my life and what I want to change about it and the answer is.. practically everything. This has led me to think I am no happier thinner than I was when I was fat, so why bother missing out on all the food I enjoy if it doesnt make me happy? I have come to the conculsion that actually there are LOADS of positives about loosing weight... I just need to remind myself of them everytime I want to eat cake and icecream.. so here are a few to share!!

1. I can buy clothes in practically any shop and I can wear lots of different styles of clothes.
2. I can fit in the seats on the roller coasters at alton towers and thorpe park.
3. I can walk up the stairs without getting out of breath, I am alot healthier!.
4. I can wear high heals without being in absolute agony.
5. I blend in with the crowd instead of standing out like a cow that has escaped from the rest of its herd!
6. I am not afraid to walk past groups of youths for fears of gettin abuse shouted at me.
7. I dont get hot or sweat as much as I used to.
8. I can run.
9. If someone looks at me I dont automatically think 'they are lookin at me because I am a fat ugly cow'
10. I sleep better.

There are probably loads more that are just everyday things that I dont even think about... like squeezing my car into a really small space in a car park and knowing that I will be able to fit between the cars to get out. (I once came back to my car and couldnt get back in because the driver next to me had parked so close... haha) My life is better now that I am smaller... I know this, because if it wasnt better I wouldnt care at all, I would just get fat again without thinking about it! This is why I am in a constant battle, constant struggle... because I know that my life is better... I just forget it sometimes!!!

Learned Behaviours and Food Addiction...... where it all went wrong!

I know I have literally only just posted so I really shouldnt be writing again already... my obsessivness has started already.. haha... but I just wanted to write more about the two things that control my world... FOOD and MY WEIGHT..

Learned Behaviours
I was a fat baby, a fat toddler, a fat child, a fat teenager and a very fat adult. Throughout my life I have only gotten fatter. NEVER stayed the same... always just getting fatter, until I became what I jovially describe as a 'walking heart attack.' (obviously I wouldnt have found it so funny had it actually happened!)

Me at six... notice the 'gut' already hanging over my shorts and how much thinner my older sister is than me.

Me at the age of 9... FAT is an understatement.... On the very left my older sister who again is much much thinner than me... grrrrr, lucky bitch!

There was no 'major event' in my life that made me pile on the pounds... I unfortunatley have learnt to eat in a way that has made me get fatter. If I could go back in time and tell my mum to put me on a diet back then, as a child, I would do it in a heart beat. Children should be educated properly and fed properly. Lets face it... when you are so fat at the age of 10 that you have to wear an adults size 14 (uk) it is pretty much inevitable that you will end up a fat adult! 

Food Addiction

I admit I am completley uneducated as to what 'food addiction' is and as to whether it is recognised as being 'real' but I know deep down in my rather large gut, that I have it. I obsess about food more than anything else in the whole world. On my days off I have to eat food at certain times of the day so that I know exactly how long I have until my next mouthful. I dream about eating, I imagine myself eating, I stand and think about cake and ice cream and cookies and pastries and all my favourite sugary foods.... BUT I am controlled, I diet, I exercise... and then BOOM......

Something will trigger me to 'fall off the wagon' and I will binge. Sometiems I will shovel food into my mouth harldy even tasting it or enjoying it!!! It is like a compulsion... and I dont stop until the shaky anxious  feeling I have stops. I never binge on fruit or veg, it is always carbs and sweet things. Sometimes I eat so much that I can physically see a change... I have a food baby, or until I feel sick! I get the shakes, I can feel the sugar coursing round my body and I can feel my heart beating in my chest... the high from the food unfortunatley doesnt last very long. Then comes the shame, the anger, the embarrassement... the "what the fuck have I just done" feeling that you get when you regain control, which in turn makes you feel shitty about yourself... and makes you want to eat... thus the cycle continues!

Im not stupid, I know how damaging this is to me and my body. I know how to eat healthily, I know how to loose weight sensibly... because I have done it. Its just that nowadays I feel so miserable so much of the time that it has got a hold on me... and I need to do what I did back then.. be tough with myself.. stop pitying myself and get real. If I want to be healty and loose weight properly then I have to stop being an idiot.. man up and do it! God I wish it was that easy!

I think living in a house with my mum and sisters, full of temptation doesnt help. Could you imagine being a alcoholic and having an open bottle of vodka sat on your kitchen table.... Last week I opened the freezer to get out some quorn sausages (I am not a veggie they are just very low in fat) to have for my breakfast with grilled mushrooms and poached eggs.. yum... and sat in front of me were two tubs of Ben and Jerrys ice cream. I ate my breakfast fine. I then spent the next three hours thinkin about that ice cream. I couldnt think about anything else... I was obsessing about that icecream. I ate my lunch and decided to have just a tea spoon of the ben and jerrys.. a tiny bit wouldnt hurt... then I had another tea spoon... and WHAM the whole tub was gone... along with two slices of chocolate spread on toast and half a packet of biscuits... none of which was my food to even eat... all my mothers!!! It is totally my fault, I shoved the food in my gob, but if it hadnt been in the house with that Ben and Jerrys, would I have ever gone and bought some and consequently fallen off the wagon???????

Now is the time that I need to decide what I want......

Eat the food or loose weight????

I may be currently loosing the battle with myself... but one day I WILL WIN the bloody war!!!!!!!

xxxxx

Time to stand up and be counted.... THERAPY!!!!

My name is Louise and I am a FOOD ADDICT!!!

My name is Lou and I have decided to start this blog as a form of what I would call 'therapy.' I am at a time of my life where I feel frustrated and angry and depressed alot of the time, my self confidence has dramatically depleted and my issues with food have spirralled out of control. Currently me and food ARE NOT FRIENDS!

On January 5th 2009... feels like forever ago now, I decided to change my life. I had had enough of sitting around and dreaming about what my life would be like if I was thin.... and by golly did I used to dream, asleep or awake it made NO DIFFERENCE. I imagined what it would be like to walk into topshop and actually try something on because I had NEVER been able to fit into normal clothes, the reason? I weighed 20 1/2 stone (287 pounds).

This was me in all my Glory:

I dont know how much I actually weighed when these were taken... but when I got to my biggest I refused to have photos taken from the neck down... so I still had a few more pounds to go at this point! haha! unlucky me!

So I decided to join slimming world, eat healthily and exercise. The theory to loosing weight is simple... consume less calories than you burn... if only it was so easy in practice!!!!! By January 2010 I  had lost 10 stone, weighing 10 1/2 stone (147 pounds).

Here I am looking slimmer:

I managed to keep all the weight off for the best part of a year, but I have now gained 1 1/2 stone,  I weight 12 stone (168 pounds).

So this is why I have started a blog.... I have developed a VERY bad relationship with food that is ruling my life and I need a release... I have read some other blogs and it has provided me with comfort as I know there are other people who completley understand what it is like to loose all control and binge and then feel like a useless fuck up afterwards! I dont want to be miserable... I dont want to binge and then 'extreme diet' I just want to be healthy and happy!!!!!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!

xxxxxxx