Learned Behaviours and Food Addiction...... where it all went wrong!

I know I have literally only just posted so I really shouldnt be writing again already... my obsessivness has started already.. haha... but I just wanted to write more about the two things that control my world... FOOD and MY WEIGHT..

Learned Behaviours
I was a fat baby, a fat toddler, a fat child, a fat teenager and a very fat adult. Throughout my life I have only gotten fatter. NEVER stayed the same... always just getting fatter, until I became what I jovially describe as a 'walking heart attack.' (obviously I wouldnt have found it so funny had it actually happened!)

Me at six... notice the 'gut' already hanging over my shorts and how much thinner my older sister is than me.

Me at the age of 9... FAT is an understatement.... On the very left my older sister who again is much much thinner than me... grrrrr, lucky bitch!

There was no 'major event' in my life that made me pile on the pounds... I unfortunatley have learnt to eat in a way that has made me get fatter. If I could go back in time and tell my mum to put me on a diet back then, as a child, I would do it in a heart beat. Children should be educated properly and fed properly. Lets face it... when you are so fat at the age of 10 that you have to wear an adults size 14 (uk) it is pretty much inevitable that you will end up a fat adult! 

Food Addiction

I admit I am completley uneducated as to what 'food addiction' is and as to whether it is recognised as being 'real' but I know deep down in my rather large gut, that I have it. I obsess about food more than anything else in the whole world. On my days off I have to eat food at certain times of the day so that I know exactly how long I have until my next mouthful. I dream about eating, I imagine myself eating, I stand and think about cake and ice cream and cookies and pastries and all my favourite sugary foods.... BUT I am controlled, I diet, I exercise... and then BOOM......

Something will trigger me to 'fall off the wagon' and I will binge. Sometiems I will shovel food into my mouth harldy even tasting it or enjoying it!!! It is like a compulsion... and I dont stop until the shaky anxious  feeling I have stops. I never binge on fruit or veg, it is always carbs and sweet things. Sometimes I eat so much that I can physically see a change... I have a food baby, or until I feel sick! I get the shakes, I can feel the sugar coursing round my body and I can feel my heart beating in my chest... the high from the food unfortunatley doesnt last very long. Then comes the shame, the anger, the embarrassement... the "what the fuck have I just done" feeling that you get when you regain control, which in turn makes you feel shitty about yourself... and makes you want to eat... thus the cycle continues!

Im not stupid, I know how damaging this is to me and my body. I know how to eat healthily, I know how to loose weight sensibly... because I have done it. Its just that nowadays I feel so miserable so much of the time that it has got a hold on me... and I need to do what I did back then.. be tough with myself.. stop pitying myself and get real. If I want to be healty and loose weight properly then I have to stop being an idiot.. man up and do it! God I wish it was that easy!

I think living in a house with my mum and sisters, full of temptation doesnt help. Could you imagine being a alcoholic and having an open bottle of vodka sat on your kitchen table.... Last week I opened the freezer to get out some quorn sausages (I am not a veggie they are just very low in fat) to have for my breakfast with grilled mushrooms and poached eggs.. yum... and sat in front of me were two tubs of Ben and Jerrys ice cream. I ate my breakfast fine. I then spent the next three hours thinkin about that ice cream. I couldnt think about anything else... I was obsessing about that icecream. I ate my lunch and decided to have just a tea spoon of the ben and jerrys.. a tiny bit wouldnt hurt... then I had another tea spoon... and WHAM the whole tub was gone... along with two slices of chocolate spread on toast and half a packet of biscuits... none of which was my food to even eat... all my mothers!!! It is totally my fault, I shoved the food in my gob, but if it hadnt been in the house with that Ben and Jerrys, would I have ever gone and bought some and consequently fallen off the wagon???????

Now is the time that I need to decide what I want......

Eat the food or loose weight????

I may be currently loosing the battle with myself... but one day I WILL WIN the bloody war!!!!!!!

xxxxx